It feels like just yesterday that I was walking my baby girl into her first day of Kindergarten. Holding her hand to make sure she wasn’t scared. Who am I kidding? I was holding her hand because I didn’t want to let her go. It would mean that she wouldn’t need me as much and she would be so much more independent from me.
She was already independent for a 5 year old. As I sat next to her in her new classroom she looked up at me. Here I am thinking she was going to say she didn’t want me to leave her behind. But instead she says, “you can go now Mum”. What??? Way to break your mothers heart kid. So I of course lingered a little longer until I had to go and let her enjoy her first full day of big school.
As I walked out, I slipped my sunnies down over my eyes so no one could see me welling up. Why are there only tears from me and not the little person I am leaving in a strange place? I was really struggling to allow my little princess to move into the next chapter of her life. To be more independent and grown up.
Today I reflect back on that moment as I sit in her Year 6 Graduation ceremony. Year 6? How did that happen? When I was warned that her school years would fly past as she entered kindy, I really didn’t expect them to go at the speed of light, or so it felt. I remember those tears as I left her at school, once again welling up as she receive her award for Sportsman of the Year. This time they were tears of joy and pride with a hint of sadness.
I am really not prepared for her to progress into high school. All the changes, new friends, even more independent from me, moods, and I don’t even want to think about the driving and boyfriends.
How do you let them go without losing your shit? This child that you once carried, gave birth to and held the hand of, through so many years of growth. Now we aren’t even cool enough to walk near let alone hold their hand.
As I write this, I layer myself in some rose essential oil to help support my emotions. Shit, I still have another child to get through Primary School. Will I fell the same or worse? Is it harder when it’s your baby or are you a little more accustomed to the events and the emotions?
I look at my husband who just lets it all roll on by. He takes it all in his stride and insists that I am looking for some bubble wrap to smother our children in for maximum protection. Why isn’t he an emotional wreck like I am right now? Oh to be able to give zero fucks.
So as we cruise through the summer holidays, I am really going to need some kind of shock treatment to prepare me for the first day of high school for my oldest child. Maybe I will grow out of it by then?
She is ready and so excited for her new beginning, just as I was on my first day of high school. I have an even greater appreciation for my own mother right now. She was so cool and collected but I am sure she was shrinking on the inside just like me. Crap, how has she even got me to 40?
I am sure there will be many more times I will feel this way over my children’s lifespans, but for now I need to concentrate on how to get through this one without being an embarrassing mess. If you have any tips for me, I would really appreciate it.
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